I just had an interesting conversation with someone on, well, sexual frustrations. Not the typical milieu of not getting enough, or hysterical mishaps that would be seen on a blue version of America’s Funniest Home Videos, but genuine frustrations of not performing well, being scared in bed, not being able to have an orgasm. I’m going declare right here and now for all the internet to read that I am not the typical male braggart–I do not boast about my conquests because the truth is I have only had a few of them. And I rarely boast about my any false sense of herculean talent, because the truth is my encounters have been so few and far between that, while I’ve never received any complaints, I haven’t had enough sex to really know. This is not from a lack from wanting, I will admit I do fall into certain gender stereotypes occasionally, because sometimes gender stereotypes are based on something that is pretty factual. But wanting and getting are very often very different things, it’s getting to that point that I seem to have trouble with and I wonder if that stems from a deeper fear of “what do I do when I get there?”
This conversation I had was a very open and honest one, and I have to commend the this person for being able to open up, because I don’t think anyone really enjoys allowing themselves to be that vulnerable around another person. I think the conclusion of this conversation is that Sex can be a pretty scary ordeal. And it’s that place of vulnerability that makes it so scary. The idea of letting someone be that close to me (not necessarily in just a physical sense) makes me incredibly nervous and I honestly don’t know why. I can rattle off some psychological babble about self-confidence and control issues, and issue in my past that have probably scarred me a little bit, and all of these are true, but I can’t believe that this is the sum of it. Because it’s not just physical intimacy that scares me–I have said plainly and clearly that I would like to be involved in a relationship, but the weight of such an idea nearly sends my heart into palpitations every time I think it. There is such a great fear of the unknown–how do you go from not knowing a person to being able to have such a serious commitment to them? Now you may be thinking “but Caleb! Sex isn’t a contract! Just get out there, have a one-night stand!” But it isn’t that for me. I have no real problem with the idea of casual sex, but there is a very definite distinction, at least in my mind, between casual sex and anonymous sex. And besides that, the fact remains that I still just don’t know how.
I suppose it’s possible to have a phobia of sex, or at least a fear of letting go, a fear of intimacy, a fear of vulnerability. I suppose I have that fear. I love women, I really do, and (from what experience I’ve had) I really love sex. I don’t see anything wrong with this, and yet some visceral feeling is still holding me back–keeping me scared of committing to really anything that I check out completely and don’t even try. While it was somewhat reassuring to know that I am not the only person who faces a dilemma, this conversation really made me wonder what it is that keeps any person from being able to enjoy such a wonderful thing (because let’s face it, sex is really a wonderful thing). When you compound this insecurity with societal pressures (for both sexes), peer-pressure, even partner-pressure it really makes me wonder how with all this stress any person is able to pull it off?
So then, what makes it so difficult for me? How do I let go? How, in my mind, do I make sex okay?
Just do it.
It’s an interesting subject. I think most of the problems people have with sex is they make goals out of it. The goal of orgasm and such. People tend to make sex about themselves. I have found sex so much better psychologically and physically more satisfying and heck, more fun if you make it all about the other person. Who cares if you get off? Just put all of your efforts into the other person. Sex needs to be a selfless activity (unless you are making it a solitary activity). People also need to be vocal about what they want, shyness is all too typical. Sex is *so* much more than intercourse. It isn’t the simple seamless act we see so often in movies and television. It is awkward, messy and people need to just get used to it and deal.
My advice, take a human sexualities class, and try not to make sex perfect. Try different things, different situations and have fun.